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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mollie's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 12th, 2013
12:05 am
So I went to the rock climbing gym 3 times last week. twice for rock climbing and once for yoga.

Maybe I will be fit and healthy again some day. Or maybe when my month membership ends I'll go back to sitting in front of the TV. We'll see.

Current Mood: satisfied
Tuesday, December 4th, 2012
9:21 pm
Went to Santa's Land this weekend!!!!

My Nieces and Nephew loved it and my sisters and their SOs had fun too. And Cousin Amara and Tim came too. We had a really great time even though it was cold. I'm glad the kids loved it as much as I did and that I could share it with them. And that my sisters were so receptive to the trip.
I missed my dad a lot though. Santa's Land was the last outing Dad went on with me and Mom a month before he died. I was surprised when Mom said Dad wanted them to come with me to the park, but I was so glad they did. They both totally humored me as I ran around the park and played. I have great parents.
And I miss Dad soo much.

I hope they are able to save Santa's Land from closing.

My sisters left for the park a loong time before I did and I was upset and stupid emotional because I thought they were going to be sick of it before I got there and I didn't want to be there alone, but when I pulled in I was right behind them! I'm not entirely sure how that happened.. but I was super excited and it was a really satisfying trip. Hopefully the pancake house will some day reopen and they will be able to hire some more folks to do animal demonstrations again and generally kick ass!

In other news. I'm not sure I approve of livejournal changing the "friends page" to the "feed" Meh.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Monday, October 29th, 2012
8:12 pm
There's a hurricane outside so I'm cleaning the shit out of my house... It's actually been really amazing.
Sunday, October 7th, 2012
7:32 pm
I am so addicted to all the old family photos we have found around the attic/gram's stuff/etc.

Too bad there are so many that are complete mysteries... and some I have some pretty educated speculations on.. but it's just speculation. *sigh sigh*


Went to a fantastic Corn Maze yesterday with one of my friends from my high school days, Alyssa. We had fun navigating it and we had fun looking at the farm animals... and I waited waaay to long to get some friggin cider.

Today I saw my cousin Melissa and we caught up after.. like a year. And I went through old pictures with my Uncle Ray and Aunt Kazue and generally had a nice time with them before they leave for Florida.

Then I came home and my sisters family came over.. and we climbed the hill ad ran around. Standard.

Tomorrow I have to see my other niece because she's been asking for me. Jennie called me the other night and Emily was yelling "MOLL-MOLL!! MOLL-MOLL!" and then once I got on the phone she started telling me "New Book! New Book!"

Making the rounds... too much to do... tired. meh.

Current Mood: tired
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012
8:45 pm
My bed feels so nice...
sometimes I wonder if LJ has fallen out of vogue because many have adapted to the short style of the facebook status and tweet.

I'm so tired. There are so many things I need to do. I need to write up some lists of questions for my elder relatives regarding their good old days for my genealogy projects. I have to print a bunch of stuff and devise a format for presentation that isn't confusing or weird for a genealogy book format. I have to scan some of the things I found in the attic so I can give them to other family members. Was going to do some of my printing tonight but I Just feel so brain dead. meh.

And I have to organize and start my holiday knitting... though I'm beginning to think there's nooo way in hell I am going to meet my huge ambitions. The house is filthy. I have friends I haven't seen in awhile that I need to reach out to.

I just wish I could have several days to myself... or could have a week of short work days.. or something. Heh. I guess I have the time I could ask for that...
I wish the work week was like the school day used to be... getting out at 2:30 every day would be completely fantastic.

Also on a completely unrelated note I am glad I finally bought the MP3s of Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours" !!!!

Going to sleep and hope I don't wake up sick tomorrow like eeeeveryone else.

Current Mood: exhausted
Tuesday, September 25th, 2012
10:21 pm
well.. there it is
I didn't really think I would post in this journal again... but sometimes surprising things happen.

I last posted a little over a year ago. The day after I posted was the we brought my daddy to the ER and were first told that the probability that he had lung cancer was very high.
Three weeks later he was gone. They didn't even get a chance to do the tests to confirm the cancer. We would never have imagined it would have happened that way.

In some ways the last time I posted was the day before everything changed.
I think before then I never truly thought my father (or my mother) could actually, really die. The night dad died we went up to be with mom who was already at the hospital and to "see dad" one last time. I'm not sure my mother had ever seemed so small as she did on that night.

The next few days were filled with plans that there was not anywhere near enough time for us to complete because all kinds of people wanted to come and see us and be with us. A lot of the things that we put together to say goodbye to dad seemed just wretched and slap-shod though I'm sure that the people at the visiting hours and funeral didn't realize or thought they were very nice. Sometimes the kindnesses of people were overwhelming... and sometimes what people thought were kindnesses really weren't.

The people who knew my dad from work but didn't necessarily know us were probably the least painful... they had great stories that we would never have heard otherwise and what they had to say to us wasn't trite crap. One of them told us how he'd miss hearing dad crunch is vegetables in his cube in the middle of the morning for example and so many of them commented on his expertise and his calm gentle demeanor when they would call in with technical problems. It was wonderful hearing how respected Dad was. Also, recently we heard that they named their annual horseshoe tourney after him because he used to kick everyone's butt there just like he did at our family cookouts.

When it came to condolences what was the most painful were the ones from people who wanted to relate... but really didn't have a relatable experience. i.e. losing your parent when you are in your late 40s is VERY different from losing your father when you are in your mid 20s. It is ALSO very different from losing your grandparent who was in their 80s.
I don't want to belittle anyone's pain but it's different. We were all cheated out of what should have been my dad's retirement and the last quarter of his life.
Now, when my grammy Claire and my uncle pete and aunt pat died it was incredibly painful, but they had all had nice retirements and got to see their their grandkids/nieces/nephews grow up and even know their great grands. It was NOT the same.

I didn't realize completely why what I knew were meant to be kind words soo pissed me off but one of my friends months later who had lost her dad around the same age hit the nail on the head saying that most people don't know how to relate to having lost a parent before the age of thirty unless it's happened to them. I definitely appreciated that people were trying to be comforting and understand and share with me but.. geez.

Negativity aside.. a lot of people were really kind to me, and succeeded in their efforts. I was lucky to have some very good friends who really supported me.

The past year has been really hard. The holidays blew. When summer came it brought a whole new depression because dad so enjoyed the summer and planting his garden and mowing the grass and grilling and eating outside each year. I became obsessed with genealogy after finding and going through my grandmothers/meme's/great great aunt marie and uncle jeff's photos in storage in the garage.. which brought it's own bittersweetness as I realized how few of dad's childhood stories I knew. Sometimes I like to think of my research on my meme and pepe's generation as learning about dad's first family. I like to think he is now with the people he loved before we were his family and so I want to know everything about them.

A year later and some days I miss my dad so much and some days it feels like I have just seen him or I forget that he's gone, because, really? how could my dad possibly be gone? He's not. At least I don't think so, not really.



Edit:
To anyone who offered condolences.. I did appreciate them. I appreciated the extension of friendship and care, I appreciated them then, I appreciate them now, but appreciation and love I might have for the person offering the condolences aside .... most condolences are really fucking terrible.

Current Mood: drained
Friday, September 2nd, 2011
10:24 pm
So, I haven't posted since January. Cah-razy. This used to be my go to places bleed my drama's bare.
I do like to revisit though. I mean.. this here LJ holds High School and College.. and some of my adult life too.


Let's throw in some more and touch base on that last post.. The new years resolutions.. As of September.

My 2011 goals:
1. Take the GRE by March (this also alludes to the studying involved)
2. Obtain a new job by Summer.
3. Apply to schools during the fall
4. Get my body under some modicum of control.
5. Pick up some guitar.
6. Save money, actually create a budget rather than just trusting that it will all be ok.
7. Read all the books I have acquired in the last oh.. 7 years..


Results!!!
1. Nope. Not even remotely.
2. YES! YES YES.. by end of summer new job obtained. Even if it was just my old job with a pay boost. Accomplished.
3. It's not fall yet. I should seriously think about this though as at 6 months of employment I may be able to use the states tuition remission program.
4. No, my body is still out of control. Now that I have mass based insurance I'm gonna give another set of doctors another shot at it. This week I will be turning in stool samples.. Awesome. I also learned today that you can send a small
amount of poop via postal mail and its' completely legal. Which I found horrifying.
5 Yes! I took a guitar class in the winter.. but I picked the guitar up a couple weeks ago again and I'm actually doing ok. I think the class was just too much pressure mixed with boring as.. well.. I know basic music theory.
6. No. horribly.. I made a spreadsheet.. and was plugging into it.. and then I forgot.
7. Ok, this one was quickly commuted to "actually read all the magazines I'm subscribed to" On which I am doing fantastically.


All in all, Fairly well done, Miss MacKenzie. Boo-yeah.

I can't believe it's already Labor day.
Going home tomorrow to hang out with the parents and go to Dawn Dance!!!!! on Sunday night. Maybe the Peterborough
or Greenfield Contra Dance on Saturday night. Should be bad-ass.

Maybe I will post more before another 8 months go by.. you know?

peace it on out.

Current Mood: tired
Sunday, January 9th, 2011
9:53 pm
Resolve? hmmm..
So, rather than Resolutions I have decided to just use "Goal"

My 2011 goals:
1. Take the GRE by March (this also alludes to the studying involved)
2. Obtain a new job by Summer.
3. Apply to schools during the fall
4. Get my body under some modicum of control.
5. Pick up some guitar.
6. Save money, actually create a budget rather than just trusting that it will all be ok.
7. Read all the books I have acquired in the last oh.. 7 years..


So, here we go...
Saturday, December 18th, 2010
11:34 pm
I Feel soo much better about christmas having gotten some stuff done.
*sigh sigh*
There are a lot of things that are just much easier to do in NH... christmas shopping and relaxing are just two.

In addition I baked some breads for the holiday x-mas party..
Aaaand while buying Bread ingredients I found my favorite soap (Yardley) on sale for $1.. where I usually find it for like $2.30 in boston. I was like scoooore. I bought 3 bars (one of each type... I've yet to try lemon verbana which is crazy because that is one of my favorite scents in the world - though I think I might have imposed this on myself in middle school because it was the smell Margaret Mitchell chose to associate w/ Ellen O'Hara in Gone With the Wind.)

Tomorrow's going to be a looong day. I'm driving to Lowell from here and then working from 5-Midnight at MRT then back to JP.
Work as usual on Monday and volunteering at night. It'll be worth it though. an extra $100 is always worth it.
But, really, Thursday.. Where are you thursday?

Ugh, I should go to bed now to maximize my ability to get shit done tomorrow before I leave.

Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
11:33 pm
So, this is a total over share..

Since going off my birth control my mood has improved exponentially.. however the drop in hormone levels has given me a fucking yeast infection.. Or what I hope i just a fucking yeast infection. aaaagh. At least I'm not crying three times a day so I can actually cope with it... I'm treating it with the good old all natural yogurt douche.. if it doesn't go away in a couple of days I will make a dr's appnt I guess. ugh.



In less of an overshare land.. I am taking a bunch of supplements now in hopes that they'll help me out.
there was a buy one get one sale at CVS so I picked up fish oil, acidopholis and another bottle of B12.

I hope that they will help my over all digestion/ life and not just make my pee really expensive. Regardless I have a history of pulling low B12 levels so those are always good to have around and I never eat fish. I started taking all of them yesterday.

I went contra dancing for the first in a looong time last weekend. My friend Justin and I went to the gender role free contra dance at the church I go to sometimes.
It was fun. I effectively lead for one dance. woo and I was not too embarrassed.

ugh.. I just want it to be christmas eve and be home and have a four day weekend.
Saturday, December 4th, 2010
6:23 pm
I waaasted today - in a big way.
I was in and out of bed all until about noon today - spent much of the time out of bed on the computer and then took a walk to get some sunlight before it went about.
And fuuuck is it ever winter outside. But there is a nice warm kitty cat on my lap keeping me warm now. So, Thanks Roxy.

In which I bitch about my acid refluxCollapse )

regardless I have been at least a little less hoarse than before.


It's been really interesting though. I went out to dinner w/ a friend last night and I ordered a salad without asking what was in it... and it was a Redbones so their salad was basically greens with some peppers, onions and big slices of tomatos on top.... I cannot eat onions.. or tomatos... so I ende dup paying 5 bucks for some lettuce really. which was pretty dumb. I felt really awkward.

Then we went to a movie and then went out to get a second beer / more food because I fucking ate lettuce for dinner - so I ordered a bean soup... without thinking to ask what kind of base it was - and sure enough it was tomato. I should have known better - they didn't charge me for it though... And Justin let me have his oyster crackers so I ended up eating lettuce and oyster crackers and beer for dinner. (yes, I know beer is probably not that great for acid reflux.. but I"m 25 .. give me a break sooomewhere)


We saw the social network - which was an interesting movie.. But dude.. douchey college boys are quite simply douchey college boys. ooh Poor Zuckerman tortured genius.. Uh, huh. It was a fun movie though. Good times.
Friday, November 26th, 2010
10:30 pm
Thanksgiving was nice.
Mom and Dad decided last minute to have it downstairs in their almost finished apartment. Which was really handy. It got some of their kitchen things down there and hopefully some more motivation to get down there.
It'll be strange to go home and have them live downstairs though it'll be like coming up and staying in my own apartment when I visit.. HEH.

Why am I posting in LJ? I'm exhausted and have absolutely squat to say.
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010
9:43 pm
So I think I'm going to go off both my birth control and my acid reflux meds and see what my body does.
I am really stressed out, but I think I will learn a lot from doing it and will be able to better figure out a course of action. I'm going to continue to do all of the acid reflux care things that are not meds. (i.e. my bed is going to stay tilted, I will continue my no caffeine, no tomato, no raw onion ( *sad face*), very little chocolate diet and I will continue to try to wait until 3 hours after a meal to lie down.. and will take tums when necessary/before bed But NOT mylanta.. that shit is fucking poison)

Mostly because I think my bc might be influencing my acid reflux and also because I have felt like shit since I started taking acid reducers. I get these fucking spasmy feelings in my solar plexus like there's pressure which neeeever happened before.

I'm just done with this shit. I'm so sick of being scared and going to the doctor just to take meds that make everything worse. (this is not an isolated incident...) blaaargh.
Tuesday, November 16th, 2010
10:49 pm
I was hating my life for a minute...

A job feeler was sent to me 2 weeks ago.. on the email I don't use anymore and now is past being able to get (they already had their load in) and I only just read it.

AAAAAGH. I was feeling bummed but then there was a commercial on A&E for a show about Hulk Hogan and his existential despair and I suddenly felt like so much less of a tool.


What a weird day today has been.

I've been sick and had no voice for the past 2 days.. I hope I'm better tomorrow. ugh.

exhaaausted.
Saturday, November 13th, 2010
5:03 pm
I feel tired and hateful.

Though pleased that I found a sink strainer that should fit our sink!

I wish I didn't have a show.. or strike.. tonight.
So not going to the party.
Monday, November 8th, 2010
9:06 pm
Blargh
So my tonsil issues were really bad Laryngeal Pharyngeal Reflux.
Which basically means stomach acids are burning the SHIT out of my voice box and tonsils.
Which severely limits what I can eat, when I can eat it.. and all kinds of awesome factors which I am trying to adhere to because I do not want to lose my singing voice even if I don't use it much anymore.

Thus far I have bought risers to lift the head of my bed to help keep the acid away from my throat when I lay down... so my bed is tilted 5 inches. which is weird. and I keep slowly creeping down the bed at night.
This will be hilarious if and when I start dating again.

Initially (before the scoped my throat) my dr. told me to take rinitidine for my heartburn which I'd been taking after meals.. and felt like it wasn't doing anything.
So it instructs that you can take it 30 minutes before a meal to prevent heartburn.. which is how the Ear Nose throat dr. told me I should take it after my throat probe.

So I do.. and it made everything so much worse. the acid reflux which - aside from my tonsils and some changes in my voice - I hadn't noticed much... suddenly became the painful fires of hell.
as little bits of food started coming up into my mouth, and sticking in my sinuses. and it stayed that way for days after I stopped taking that shit. It's really still not back to the way it was which, while not normal, I didn't have shit in my sinuses that burned.

So I called to get another medicine suggestion.. and oooh the medicine prescribed costs $179... with insurance.
Nuh-uh. So I called again today and they haven't gotten back to me yet.

I HATE meds, but pretty much everything on line says that diet alone won't stop the stomach acid and I would really love for my adnoids and tonsils to heal so I can sing again.


Also, I think my birth control has stopped working (or never worked) and is contributing to the reflux as the only other time I've had aaaanything like this happen I was on Aviane and I was a CRAZY BITCH (it was the lowest dose possible and so my body was still producing all its own hormones and I was adding more on top of it).
I've come to realize over the past 5 years that if I find myself frequently crying and can't hold it in in public during normal situations (i.e. excluding deaths, and other things of awful) then there is probably something going on with the pills I'm on. So that's going to be a call to the gyno who will probably think I'm crazy because I constantly change BC, but weird shit keeps happening.

Also progestin apparently causes a lot of people to create excess stomach acid.. weird.

I've been taking a lot of antacids which do help to some degree.

For realz, can I Pleeeease be 20 again? I didn't have any friggin problems when I was 20.


The only good thing that has come of this is I have stopped drinking soda.. and now I no longer feel tired in the middle of the afternoon, which is pretty rad. I had no idea that was caffeine influenced. Crazy.



And yes, Your welcome, I know you wanted me to completely overshare my stomach acid experiences.
Friday, October 29th, 2010
11:45 pm
Happy Halloween!!!!!!!
I haven't written here in awhile. I feel I need to start writing at length again before I forget how, though I do enjoy crafting pithy facebook status updates.
Pithy, by the way, Is a GRE word I have actually mastered.

We had dry tech today which was friggin bizarre. I've ne'er had a director want to sit down and set levels with me... Especially one who wanted to do this after telling me how he trusted my judgement. In fact, while It was completely refreshing and helpful to have a director actually want to talk about some of the cues and transitions with me... (because the majority of the directors I have worked with have been sooo hands off about it)
but really? Really weird.

This weekend is going to be really fun.
Tomorrow is Vegetarian fest!!! SO MUCH FAKE CHEESE, QUINOA, AND BOBBA DRINK!!!!!
Hopefully I can get a Haircut.
Aaaand Then Zoe's party at night - for which I will either be an elderly superhero (old age make-up, cane)... or a bar brawl super hero. So we'll see.


Sunday is tech. It should be fine. Then I drive home right after rehearsal so I can be home for my dr's appointment on Monday morning, and hopefully get to see my sisters kids in their costumes on friday night.

My tonsil has been the wrong shape and size for over 2 months now. After it being swollen for 4 weeks I went to see a Nurse Practitioner who was really rude to me... Told me it wasn't swollen, but I had a polyp and that it didn't impress her. She kept saying "Iiiii Don't buy it!" and "THAT doesn't imPRESS me" like they were her catch phrases. I told her I wanted another opinion and she said "I'll set up an appointment with your PCP, but I won't set one up with ENT (ear nose throat) because that doesn't impress me" and then she STORMED out. ( she also said that acid reflux cannot make it into your mouth.. and that there was no way it could be causing any of my throat problems)

SO I had to wait Three Weeks to see Dr. Kasshau who said "Oh yes, you have a growth, I'll refer you to ENT, they will probably scope your throat" Thanks, man. I'm glad SOMEONE realizes you shouldn't have things growing on your tonsil. He also said "oh yes, your heartburn could very well be effecting your throat.. You should try this medicine"

and then I had to wait 4 weeks to for this upcoming appointment.
My tonsil hurts (when I talk, sing, eat acidic foods, it gets too cold, it gets too hot), it's the wrong shape and I'm scared and pissed off. If there are any kind of consequence from waiting this long I am going to find That bitch NP and tell her she's a fucking idiot. Regardless I am asking how to submit a complaint about her for being flat out rude to me and treating me like I'm stupid.

If she hadn't been such a bitch I would already know what is wrong now and it probably would have saved me 3-4 weeks of worry. I have yet to meet an NP without a huge ego problem who hasn't belittled me in some way. I don't understand how some of these people can possibly be any kind of health care providers.
People are coming to you when they are SCARED. You don't treat them like they are stupid for being scared. ESPECIAlLY IF YOU CAN SEE A FUCKING GROWTH ON THEIR TONSIL.

blargh. I can't wait for monday. I'd even skip all the fun stuff to be ever so slightly closer to having some answers and maybe having my throat be normal again.
I hate being scared and not being given answers, and I hate being angry.
The only reason this isn't worse than the scabies episode is that I don't have something that I'm giving to other people so I don't feel like a total jerk just by existing and interacting with people.
I can lead my life without fear of fucking over others.. I'm just worried for me.

Current Mood: tired
Friday, August 20th, 2010
10:59 pm
ranty rant. what I use this journal for these days anyway.
I know that I'm probably preaching to the choir here... but is anyone else as annoyed as I am about all the protest about having a mosque some what, kind of near ground zero?

I mean, For goodness sake! 9/11 was JUST as much of a tragedy to American Muslims as it was to any other American.
Maybe even MORE so because shortly after it happened their places of worship started getting vandalized and hill billys started killing, injuring, and harassing them. There are 3 proven murders that were backlash of 9/11 and more that are suspected. The FBI found a jump of hate crimes REPORTED toward muslims going from 28 in 2000 to 481 in 2001. The FBI reports say there were no slayings but multiple other reputable sources online cite at least 3 incidents of murder by people who confessed to the effect that it was a revenge killing. Just do a google search and even though it was years ago now you can still find some press articles on the vandalism that went on after 9/11

Ground Zero might be hallowed ground or whatever the fuck.. buut uh... people from a foreign country attacked us and many people turned on their fellow countrymen in truly disgusting ways. From harassment to implementing racial profiling in airports. It's been a hard time for Muslims in this country too and they have every right to worship here and to mourn what 9/11 also took from them.

I support this mosque or educational center or whatever it's going to be.. and I will pray for those who go there because I'm sure they will be harassed and abused on a regular basis for years to come by ignorant ignorant people who feel more comfortable when they can name an enemy regardless of whether the label fits.

Current Mood: annoyed
Monday, March 29th, 2010
7:57 pm
*sigh*
My other great Aunt Pat died on Friday. (I had 2... my great uncles pete and ray both married women named patricia) Which is sad.. And crazy. Great Uncle Ray has outlived both his kid brother and sister (grammy was 10 year younger than him and uncle pete was 14 years younger) and their spouses, as well as his own spouse (who was 10 years younger than him too) and his daughter's spouse. Poor great Uncle Ray.


I didn't know Great Aunt Pat very well in comparison to my other great aunt and uncle.
My Gram Claire used to take me across the street (gram claire lived across the street from them for much of my childhood) to play with my cousins Melissa and Danielle while she chatted with uncle ray and aunt pat.

I remember Aunt Pat made awesome decorative cakes... and kept gel candles in her house.

And I remember going to the craft store with she, Melissa and Grammie Claire one day and that they would have ginormous yard sales with my Gram. But that's mostly it. As I said, I didn't hang out with them much, they had their own kids where my other great uncle and aunt did not.


I mostly feel sad for my cousins for losing their Nana/Mother. And for Great Uncle Ray.
The last time I saw her was at Uncle Pete's funeral.. I wouldn't have guessed she'd be gone less than a year later but she had some rough health the past couple of months.

Now Great Uncle Ray is the last member of the older generation of my family.

I don't know when the funeral will be or if I can go considering the impending california trip.. but if I can go I will.

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
10:36 pm
On phone w/ tax assistants from HRblock.

because it won't efile my tax return because
MA - Total wages cannot be less than MA wages and allocated tips reported on W-2 forms.

Which as far as I can tell doesn't seem to be true.

And they've alreayd CHARGED me for e-filing in MA.

I think i might puke..I HATE being ripped off.

the specialist just came back... And Ii'm being transfered to a supervisor!!!!! 'cause it makes no sense to her either.

I just want to relax and drink a beer, but noooo I have to be cogent.

tomorrow night is totally a night for boozing..
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